Hardest Part

Averi has been making huge strides. She ended up needing some phototherapy since her billiruben levels were high. This is most likely because she wasn’t eating or pooping due to her meconium blockage. She stayed under the lights for 24 hours and that lowered her levels enough to satisfy the doctors. She has been eating, pooping and sleeping like a champ.

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I was discharged Monday leaving Averi behind which is up there with one of the hardest things I have ever done. She was moved out of the intensive care area and into the feeder/grower unit to make sure she is gaining weight. I have been back for most of her feedings trying hard not to take too much time away from Kaili. My heart is being pulled in two different directions.

I have a feeling of emptiness and of course sadness. I carried this child for 9 months and went to the hospital with a baby in my belly. She was taken from me and never given back. Almost a week later and  I am at home without her, it’s the worst feeling knowing the nurses are their caring for her instead of me,  my heart aches.

If you can believe it, I have heard that I have been “feeling sorry for myself”, and that I am emotional and hormonal.  But in all honesty this is ridiculously painful and I feel robbed not having Averi right here with me this moment. I do my best to brush off these comments but until you’ve been through this exact situation, you shouldn’t judge another persons emotions.

The day I was discharged, NBC news was at the hospital eager to get our story. I know I briefly mentioned about how Dr. Katheria approached us before my delivery about using his new warmer bed procedure during our delivery. Here is the story NBC aired.


I am really hoping by the time you read this we are on our way to pick up baby A or we already have her home. I can’t wait to get on with our lives with Averi at home.