I Will Never Forget

Today I reread this blog and I can’t believe I am saying this but I sort of forgot how hard it was. Rereading it brought back feelings of dread and worry that I am glad to say slipped my memory. However, I will never forget the day I first left the Perinatologist’s office when the Subchorionic tear was found. I was devastated, I wanted the pregnancy so bad I couldn’t imagine something happening at that stage. I am so lucky that every little “problem” I had turned out OK in the end.

I loved the blog post “Game Plan!” Talking about stopping my contraction meds at 36 weeks and waiting for baby K’s descent. The Dr. telling me to be prepared for her arrival. What a bad joke that turned out to be. Who would have thought that my finally calm pregnancy at 33 to 39 weeks would turn into the fiasco it did? Induction at 39 weeks and after 30 hours of laboring, being told I needed a C-section. I will never forget the worried feeling I had once I wasn’t on the baby monitor anymore. I will never forget the male nurse telling me everything will be fine, they will take good care of me in the operating room. Then all hell broke loose. I will never forget the look in my doctors eyes when she was trying to tell me everything was fine but deep down I knew it wasn’t. My doctor couldn’t get Kaili out, she was wedged so tight deep down in my pelvic bone. When the incision was made her shoulders were where her head should have been. An emergency cut up my abdomen was necessary to get her out and during the incision Kaili’s hand was lacerated, badly. I will never forget the pain I felt when my doctor was pulling and tugging at my body because they couldn’t get her out.

I will never forget my baby being rushed away without me seeing her and without making a sound. I was crying, asking  what was wrong. That was when things went dark. I remember waking up, still on the operating table, still no baby. Apparently I was there for a while. I woke up in recovery with my blood pressure skyrocketing and crying to see my baby girl. A nurse let me know that my baby was indeed alive because I was starting to have doubts. My doctor came to recovery and told me what happened. She said with tears in her eyes, ” I cut her! It’s bad!”

I will never forget when I first saw her in the NICU. Tubes everywhere and she was on an ice bed to stop swelling in her brain. She wasn’t breathing when she was finally delivered and the doctors were worried there may have been some brain damage.
I will never forget when my sweet baby girl needed hand surgery and I couldn’t be there for her.

I will never forget how much pain I was in! Emotionally and physically, that was the hardest, saddest and scariest thing I have ever been through but I am so lucky to say that we made it, both of us. Believe it or not Kaili was actually released from the hospital before I was. She was released to my hospital room, I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

26 weeks pregnant
baby girl in the NICU
my miracle baby 4 months old!

I will never forget how hard the journey was to get where we are at. Infertility sucks but science is amazing! I still can’t wrap my head around what I have been through. I have an amazing daughter who is the strongest little thing I have ever met. She really has beaten the odds, even from the very beginning. She was meant to be here with me and I love her to the moon and back!

4 thoughts on “I Will Never Forget

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