Party of Four

Do you ever feel alone? Not in the sense that you have no one to go to dinner with, more like no one cares if you eat dinner or not?  I have been feeling more stress than support this past month. The only person behind me 100% is Shane, like Brandon was to Donna in 90210 when he led the “Donna Martin graduates” protest.

You’re probably thinking that seems crazy since I have been on bed rest, but being on bed rest with a real threat to myself and my child you really need to know you’re supported. Knowing that you are thought of can really lift ones spirits when they want to stab themselves with a pencil out of boredom or worry. But when you find that support or concern is minimal it kind of makes you feel shitty and alone.

The countless of hours of bed rest and mindless tv really gives you time to reflect. I have realized that I have been a pushover most of my life. I usually put my feelings aside to avoid conflict and then when I do speak up I end up looking like an emotional basket case because I let it fester for too long. Now with two little girls to take care of, I am no longer going to be that person. When I want something I will say it, when I don’t like something I will say it, unless it has to do with food because that can be overlooked at times. I will address matters head on and if people choose to ignore me then I will unleash my fire-breathing dragons on them. I will be the Khaleesi to her naysayers.

So that’s it, I have reached the end. This is my final day of pregnancy, ever! No more contractions no more icky Nifedipine and no more bed rest. No more having to feel like a dictator constantly ordering someone around. The pressure of making sure my sandwich is always cut in half,  that my coffee is to my liking, my strawberries aren’t overripe and the reminder to hand me a napkin at every damn meal because with each bite I take crumbs plummet into my cleavage, it’s just plain exhausting.

I won’t lie and say I am not heading into the hospital tomorrow without anxiety, I am. I hope Kaili doesn’t get overwhelmed with the chaos that is family. I hope she can kick her cold in time to come visit me and I hope that baby A and I make it out of the OR without any hiccups and unscathed.

I am looking forward to adding to our family of three and starting a life with a party of four.

photo
Final bump picture- 36 w 5 d

Calm Before the Storm

A little more than a week out and I’m feeling unusually calm about bringing another baby home. Maybe it’s because I have successfully kept K from doom for 3 years and that makes number 2 seems like it will be a breeze. Or maybe it’s because I have no memory of the infant stage and don’t remember a damn thing. Shane asked if we needed to bring diapers to the hospital and I had no answer, “honestly I have no clue”, I told him ” I don’t think we did with Kaili.”

I also don’t have the fears I had last time. All those hours of bed rest pregnant with K  gave me plenty of time to come up with what-if scenarios, this time I just hope  baby A’s  lungs are developed enough to not see the NICU.

I still have a fear of losing Kaili. She called for me in the middle of the night last night. Shane got up and then all was quiet. I layed there awake wondering if her window was locked, worrying that some crazy person could climb in and take her from her room. Thinking about every person she came into contact with that day {<—craaaazy and I know it} Every creak I heard made me more and more paranoid so  I finally had to get up and take a peek at her. Irrational or not, it’s a fear I imagine will never go away.

photo
The baby swing has provided more entertainment then any of her toys ever have.

 

 

Home Sweet…

I was sent home from the hospital and now it’s a day by day, let’s see what happens situation. “Let’s have you get some time at home, in your own bed in case you have to come back, we are just buying time.” was how the Dr. put it. .

The contractions have subsided for the most part, for now. I continue on the meds and I am on bed rest with bathroom privileges. I’m trying to keep it together but going through this all over again is crappy and SO much harder with a 3 year old.

Heres to hoping my body can hold out until 36 weeks. If the contractions come back then I go back to the hospital. They will try to get them to stop but I am not sure how much effort will be put into it and if they don’t stop then we will go ahead and have a baby.

Now I get to sit and watch Shane get the baby stuff together, the carseat installed, cook, do the laundry and take care of the kid. Most of you might think, “how nice.” But it’s really not. Having to sit and feel useless is depressing, lonely and the time moves oh.so.slowly. But having a husband who is handling it all so well makes it easier and takes some stress away.

So now what? Besides watch soccer, which has been a lifesaver, and entertain a kid on the couch, anyone have ideas to pass the time?

photo

 

 

 

Sleepless and Can’t Think Of a Title

You know how you feel after a peaceful, long and uninterrupted nights sleep? Well that is NOT how I felt this morning!
My contractions weren’t obeying the meds yesterday, so the doc upped both the nifedipine and magnesium dosage. That did the trick and by midnight I was off the monitors and left alone for some sleep that never came. At 3 am I was put back on the monitors and given more meds and the gift I got was a screaming headache. This went on all night. I think I got about 3 hours of broken sleep.
Every hour that more magnesium pumped through my veins the worse I felt. It makes me feel like I have the flu with a horrible headache, dizziness and a lump in my throat threatening to deliver my latest meal all over the bed. I was also having a hard time reading, everything was blurry and At one point I watched the walls breathing. Timothy Leary called and wants his drugs back.

The nurses seemed concerned with the high dosage I was on and then when I stopped chatting and had an ice pack covering my eyes, they stopped the IV drip and called the doc to have the dose lowered. I swear, within minutes I felt better.
It was perfect timing too because soon Shane and Kaili came to visit. I also had a visit from the doc saying they will rid me of this horrid drug at 5:30. They will monitor me over night to see how I do. Hopefully I can leave soon.
Tonight’s FaceTime with Kaili left us both in tears and Shane told me she asked to go to bed so she could wake up and see me. Are you crying yet, cause I am.
Is it really too much to ask to have a normal pregnancy? My new nurse just asked if I was going to be here until delivery, since my uterine scar and the previa are such a danger…I said I hope not. I want to be home with my loves, even if it’s in bed for the next 4 weeks. But I also don’t want to be put in an emergency situation again. If I go home and start bleeding, that exactly what will happen. I hate this! I guess we will see what the next day has in store.

32 Week Bumpdate

Gosh, I feel so boring. I don’t have much to share  these days. I had another trip to triage on Monday, only because the Dr. told me to go, I probably would have put it off. I instantly regretted that decision as soon as I saw how crowded it was. Reminder, women seem to have the most issues on Mondays…check. After a long chat with the nurse while being monitored, I was sent home with my medication dosage moved up. Exactly what I thought would happen, it’s like I’m psychic .

The next day was my Dr. appt. and it was decided that I should have another FFN test done and a cervical length check, “just to be on the safe side”, which I have now heard multiple times. It’s a good thing I guess. You know what else I have heard 100,000,000 times? Okay maybe not that many times but any time someone in the medical field looks at my stomach, I always get asked where the vertical scar came from. Then I tell them the story and the responses range from “Oh ya, I remember hearing about that” to ” Oh wow, that must have been scary.”  When the ultrasound is done to check the cervix, I get the pleasant, “Oh, there is your placenta right there, good thing we didn’t do a manual cervical check.” Like they’re surprised to see that I still have the previa. . Oh you know what else the nurse asked me as she was doing the FFN test? “Is this your last baby?” “Hell ya” I said. She said she thought that was  probably a good idea. I couldn’t agree more.

Results came back and all looks good. What does that mean? Nothing. I am now on modified bed rest, basically sitting when I can. It seems these contractions aren’t doing much, but they could, so I learned nothing. Try to take it easy, go to triage if I don’t stop contracting, take the medication that doesn’t do shit. Check, check and checkity check.

I got my C-section packet to fill out before surgery. Just a little light reading before the big day.

photo

The triage nurse asked me if I had any religious issues with receiving blood since Previa patients sometimes require a blood transfusion, we can skip the gruesome details. I said no, but I should have said told her that I won’t except blood from racists or homophobes, wouldn’t want that shit to spread and all. I could throw a few more in there but I wouldn’t want to offend anyone.

That is how I spent my fun filled week, jealous are you? Some days are better than others, emotionally and physically but I am hanging in there.

 

 

Because

I think I have held up pretty well emotionally this time around, considering the last time. I don’t know if it’s because the contractions are coming back, if it’s because the delivery is around the corner or if it’s just the hormones but I am starting to come unglued. I am snapping at my kid for the littlest things and I wanted to grab on to the hubs leg and beg him not to go to work this week, like I did with my dad when I was little. All the while I am doing my best not to burst into tears.

It’s clear the meds aren’t working, I’m not even feeling the side effects anymore. I spent all of Sunday debating with myself if I should go to triage or just wait until Monday, ya know just to see if they go away. I am hoping they tell me to up my dosage, maybe that will buy me a week, at least. The doctors office is supposed to have an after hours nurse on call however I haven’t had any luck reaching anyone.

I’m also feeling some anxiety about the c-section. I wonder if they can sedate me before they wheel me into the OR…I am afraid I will have a racing pulse and look like a sweaty convict. I will talk to the doc about it but in the meantime can we all think good thoughts that nothing dramatic happens again.

Anyway, changing subjects…I have had two pillows on the floor next to Kaili’s bed since she was falling out of it nightly.  It’s been awhile since that has happened so I asked her if I could take them away, she said yes. In true fashion I forgot to move them. Before heading to bed myself, I went into check on her and found her curled up on those pillows on the floor, she even had her blanket on her. I wish I had taken a picture because it was really cute. I can only assume she put herself there, why, I have no idea. Anyhow, those pillows are still on the ground.

Quick, get some stuff done, Peppa Pig is on! Peppa is the choice of cartoons around here and when she says “it’s a bit cold mummy” I wonder if she is going to pick up the British accent.

She is starting to push it in the attitude department. Her favorite thing to say to me is “stop it mommy!” That is her response to anything I say,  “because” is her next favorite word. “Kaili, why are you climbing on the counters? “Because.” “Why are you eating chaptstck?” “Because…STOP it mommy!!”

photo 3

 

 

 

 

 

 

31 Week Bumpdate

After my triage stint I had a few people tell me to “keep that bun cooking.” Clearly the only people who say this is are the ones who had an easy pregnancy or no pregnancy at all. Trust me, no one wants preterm labor, preterm meds or a baby in the NICU. So, I am doing my best to keep my bun cooking….sigh.

With that I have been on the Nifedipine for a week now and it doesn’t seem to be working as well anymore, can a medicine stop working? I imagine it can… I am starting to get contractions again when I am up and around. I have  no idea what happens if these meds stop working. Hopefully I can stay out of the triage until my next appointment on Tuesday.

I hate whining about pregnancy woes since there are so many women out there who would DIE to be in my flip flops. But lately  I get so frickin’ uncomfortable and it comes out of nowhere. Sometimes I feel great, forgetting that I am even pregnant to feeling like my ribs are going to spread and split out of my chest. Other times I feel like there is absolutely no more room in my belly for baby, zero. I don’t remember feeling like this with K and if I did it wasn’t this early.

I also didn’t feel  the side effects to Nifedipine like I do this time. Every.Single.Side.Effect hits me 15 minutes after I take a pill. Tiredness, dizziness,  hot feet, headaches. Blah blah blah. Ok i’m done.

Baby A has been moving around a ton so I haven’t had any problem getting my kick counts in, that helps relieve some stress especially when taking a new medicine. If you can believe it, because I can’t…I haven’t bought one single thing for this kid yet. She has most everything she needs, I think. Her nursery isn’t done, ahem, that will come later.

6 weeks to go.

photo